17 Ways To Improve Communication With Your Ex

Talking with your ex is something very few people enjoy. Most of us would rather avoid the matter, especially if there was a divorce involved. However, if you had children with the person or there are other reasons for the two of you to remain in communication, you will need to work on keeping things civil and polite. You do not want a war every time you two speak. That leads to major issues like stress, especially on family and friends.

If you cannot speak with your ex without arguing, the best way to communicate is through an app, such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. During the course of a case, parties often communicate through their attorneys. However, once your case has settled, and you will need to communicate about your children, so a communication app may be the ideal silution. One of the key things you can do is focus on your tone, when and how you reach out to them as well as the topics you want to focus on.

Talking With Your Ex

When you are talking with your ex directly, it’s important to consider what you can do to diffuse the situation and keep everyone civil. The goal is to remain respectful, stay on point and be solution focused.  Once your divorce is final, the courts typically include language in the parenting plan which parties are required to follow. :

1. Weekly Parental Communication Regarding the children: To assist the parents in developing an appropriate level of communication, the parents shall exchange weekly “reports” via e-mail. The weekly email report shall be in addition to any other communication between the parents. • By no later than 9:00 PM on each Monday, each parent shall send an e-mail to the other parent. The e-mail shall detail relevant events during the parenting time regarding the children, including medical, school or extra-curricular activities. Further, any upcoming events or appointments shall be detailed in the e-mail. Lastly, any issues that exist for each child shall be summarized along with that parent’s thoughts as to how or what must be addressed. The e-mail shall not be critical in nature, but rather shall be informational and designed to create a dialogue on any issues that require both parties to act. • By no later than 9:00 PM on each Tuesday, each parent shall send a responding e-mail. It may state as little as confirmation that the prior e-mail from the other parent has been received, or it may include substantive responses to issues or events noted by the other party. • Each parent is directed to print each e-mail and store them in a binder or other filing system. It will then serve as the “record” for critical, non-emergency communication, whether for future decision making or for future litigation purposes. • In ALL communications including the weekly e-mails, Mother and Father shall be respectful in their tone and shall not use any profanities or expletives. The parties also shall not use any substitutes for profanities, such as random keystrokes, and shall not use any changes in font or emphasis to show anger or dissatisfaction.
2. Children’s Communication With Both Parents: • The parent who does not have the children overnight shall be entitled to communicate directly with the children on that day. The communication shall allow for 20 minutes communication with each child each day and shall occur between 5:00 PM and 7:00 PM. The communication method shall allow the parent and children to talk to each other, and if available, to view each other at the same time, such as through Skype. • The parent who does not have the children overnight shall initiate the contact.

Some other helpful hints on communicating with your ex:

1. Be considerate of their time.
2. Thank them when it calls for it.
3. Stay off social media: Realistically, social media leads to more fights than almost anything else after a divorce or separation. You have mutual friends who will tell the other one what you are posting or what they are posting. Don’t post and if you do, just keep it polite and simple.
4. Speak well about them in front of your kids: What you tell your kids will stick with them. Do not vent about your ex with your children. Don’t forget, venting to your kids also puts more pressure on them because it makes them feel like they have to choose between parents.
5. Be respectful of their friends and family.
6. Work together for the benefit of your child(ren).
7. Be respectful of the transition for them: Moving is never easy and if your ex is the one that has to move out after the divorce consider giving them time and space but be more understanding of when they may not be at their best. If they are behind on things or having trouble adjusting, understand why that is and be patient.
8. Don’t sweat the small stuff: Don’t fight over things just to fight. Give your ex what is theirs because the reality is it shows them you are not being selfish or vindictive. You also want to be considerate because you want the same courtesy from them.
9. If it’s both of yours, consider sharing or giving it away: Being selfish never gets you what you want in a divorce.
10. Remind them of their good qualities: Divorce isn’t really a time when we hear good things about ourselves. Sometimes the easiest way to extend an olive branch or fix a broken relationship so that you can be decent to each other is by telling them the good things about them that they need to rebuild on. Everyone appreciates that.

Attorneys will handle as much or as little of the conversation as you want. However, after the divorce is finalized you have to decide where you want the communication to go. This will be different if you have children, share a business or something else. Think about how you would like communication to go and always start by being polite and respectful.