Preparing Yourself & Others For Your Divorce
Divorce is tough. Movies and television have turned it into a comical topic and the reality is that we do have to move on from these separations. That still doesn’t change the fact that before, during and after a divorce, times can be rough on one or both involved, not to mention family and friends. Children are always the first ones thought of who they should be, but the impact of this separation is felt through dozens and sometimes hundreds of people.
There are friends who will see less of one of you or both of you because of this separation. Places you frequented will now become a distant memory and you will probably have to rebuild your entire life, including your daily routine. That’s what divorce really is, it’s a reality that love can end and things can change. It’s hard on everyone and takes time to get used to.
The Impact Of Divorce
Who does divorce impact most, aside from the couple and any children they have? Start with the aunts and uncles who may see far fewer of the children. The grandparents now have to split time with their grandchildren. Let’s also remember that your friends will have to adjust to this. They will be concerned about you, but you also have to be aware that this does impact them, and they may need time to adjust. They will try to be sensitive to the separation and help you keep space while being supportive.
The challenge they will be experiencing right now is that they have to not only be there for you, but in some cases, especially if it’s a messy divorce, separate themselves from a friend. That will be easier for some but for others that means losing a close and personal friend. Not all divorces are messy, but not all of them are nice and neat either.
Communicate
The first thing you need to do is reach out to your friends and family and explain the situation. Just like your wedding list, some people are going to be offended they didn’t make the initial cut, that’s their problem. You need to focus on a consistent message that you can repeat one hundred times over because that’s what you are going to be doing. Focus on keeping it short and sweet but with detail so people are aware of enough of what’s going on.
“Bob and I are getting a divorce. I still care about him but all he focuses on is work and I’ve decided it’s not fair to either of us since I can’t support his decision and be happy with myself.” That just explains any friction, disagreements, frustration or anything else you have had in recent times and the person who gets that message from you will completely understand.
This Isn’t Permanent
You are entering a transition. This is going to be rough, it is going to sting, it will require you to lose people that you thought you were important to and it will also require you to make adjustments to comforts you once had, if not completely give them up. However, the one thing you have to remember is that it is not permanent. You are trying to keep things together during this transition and that means being patient.
You may not like the apartment you just moved into, but it’s only temporary. You may not like the new weekend routine of having to trade off your kids with your ex, but this routine will change overtime and become more manageable for you. Be patient because right now the stress of the situation is going to be enough, there’s no reason to add more.
Consider Therapy Or Counseling
Being alone stinks, even for introverts or people who like being alone. The reality is that we like to be social, in some way. Even if we have one friend, that person is someone we need to see from and communicate with on a regular basis that we are used to, whether it’s just texting, phone calls or something like that. The one thing that most people who get divorced say is the biggest shock is the time they have alone.
When you are married you have a much busier lifestyle. Even if you do not think you are that social, you have someone with you all the time, unless you’re at work, which means you’re around other people. You are rarely alone when you are married, and divorce creates a situation where your life can be frantic one minute but then completely slows down because of isolation. That’s why you have to be prepared for the downtime and also consider talking to someone about rebuilding your routine.
Focus On Rebuilding Your Life
What has changed? Seriously, make a list of what in your daily routine has changed from when you were married to being single. Are you working somewhere else? Is your commute different? Are you tighter on money or have to change something else? Start breaking down the things that are going to need to be readjusted so that you also know what is still there that you can count on.
If you just got a divorce, but have the same job, the same friends and a comfortable place to live, you have somewhere to start. Help is out there whether it’s speaking to a professional or simply calling a friend.