Talking To Your Kids About Separation
Separation, divorce, breaking up or whatever else you’re calling it is tough. It’s tough on you, your former partner, your family and friends. But the person or persons it’s usually toughest on is your children. Their foundation, structure, what they know as normal is changing and at their age, that’s not supposed to happen. How can they learn and grow when they feel like their world is built on shaky ground?
That fear is why so many parents stay together longer than they should in some cases. The reality is that people change overtime, or don’t, and that means the person you fell in love with 10 years ago may be different or simply hasn’t evolved enough. For whatever reason, you have come to the point that you need to start over and while that’s a mindset you have adopted, your kids have not, and they are going to need help and time.
Explain Why
You cannot be shy about it. This is going to be one of the most impactful things to happen to them in their young lives so far and it cannot be ignored or downplayed. You need to be honest with them about what’s happening, why it’s happening and how it impacts them. Yes, there are different rules based on the ages of your children, but being open and honest is important.
Your children need to understand what’s going on from a family standpoint. They have seen your relationship fall apart for months or years and they need to understand why and most importantly, that it’s not their fault. Why would we think that? We constantly tell our kids that the errands we run are for them, that we spend our money, we have to work for them and that we have to do all these things for them. We are trying to make them understand they are loved but also to be humble, but the reality is that those words can quickly make a child feel that they are the reason for the separation and that’s the thought you need to stop.
Explain How It Will Impact Them
What is going to change for them? That’s what they need to be told as well when you talk about separation. Where are they going to be staying? Who is taking them to school, picking them up, who they will be with on weekends, for their birthday, holidays and so forth. That’s why separation is such a scary thought for children, it means a complete change of their life, the life they’ve grown accustomed to.
As a parent, you are going to do everything you can to ease this transition for your children. However, the reality is that this is still going to be a major shock and change for them. You have to be patient but also ignore anger and hate. They call you a nasty name, make them their favorite dinner. They don’t do the dishes, do them for them. They need to act out to try and regain some control in their lives, so do not panic.
Remind Them They Have A Village
You didn’t raise your children alone to this point. There are grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and family that have been in their life this entire time as well. Remind them that they still have access to all these people who still love and support them. That helps them understand that it’s not necessarily their entire world that’s changing, but a big aspect of it.
Back off, do not try to teach a lesson, do not try to rebuild everything in a day. This period of time is about knowing how to balance being a responsible parent and giving them some space. Again, the age and personality of the child are going to greatly impact it but this is when you need to be patient and understand that what’s best for your kid today may be if they are with their aunt playing video games at her house instead of cleaning their room at yours.
The length of time it takes you to get over your separation will be double for your kids. Your progress and success with the situation will not be theirs and that’s why you need to remind yourself they need more time. Keep in mind, your progress may also be difficult for them. While they are still struggling with things it could frustrate them to see that mom and dad are moving forward so quickly.
Frustration will be masked as anger, hate and sadness. Depression is real but this is also a depressing time for everyone involved. Do not rush to try medications and get aggressive with therapy just because you’re worried how your kids are responding to this. They need time and as long as things stay manageable and safe, you’re doing your job.
The reality is that kids can see therapy as a punishment. Your mom and dad break up and now you have to spend two hours of your weekend going to and from therapy appointments? Is therapy needed? Yes, and it’s a great idea. However, do not be so quick to shove your kids into offices because you’re trying to avoid something. See how your kids handle this and how they handle life moving forward. If they are struggling beyond your capabilities, get professional help.